Being a therapist takes a toll. It’s heavy emotional work that often morphs into physical symptoms such as headaches, muscular pain, and difficulty sleeping.
At some point, though, the work becomes personal and presses into your wounds – the ways you’ve been hurt and subsequent vulnerabilities and insecurities that come from that hurt. And our wounds are vulnerable to shame.
One of my wounds is my fear that I won’t be able to meet other’s expectations of me. Sometimes I think that if I am not meeting expectations, then I am at risk of being left alone. Abandoned. And that scares me a lot.
It also makes me question my competency as a therapist. I have had many sessions that end with me logging off and crumpling over with a deep sigh and pit in my stomach. It’s a visceral feeling that makes me want to hide or change careers entirely. I used to be a janitor in college, and I loved it. I’ve found myself daydreaming of those days more often.
From Wounds To Shame
When I’m afraid that I won’t be able to meet other’s expectations or question my competency as a therapist, the way I talk to myself and treat myself is often harsh. I say things like,
- Who am I to think I could help anyone?
- I’m such a fraud.
- I’ll never be a good couple’s therapist.
- I never should have become a therapist in the first place, what was I thinking?
- I’m not good enough.
- I’m not enough.
This kind of language is shaming and judgmental. If someone were to ever speak to my partner, my family and friends, heck even my pets, I would be livid. Yet, this is the kind of language I talk to myself with often. And it does damage.
There is research now that shows the negative effects shame has on our prefrontal cortex, the “control room” of our brain that participates in such processes as planning, focus, emotional processing, and impulse control. The negative effects include a reduced ability to pay attention as well as a reduced ability to control one’s impulses, a phenomenon much like sleep deprivation.
Along with these physiological effects, shame begins to tint the way you see the world. In neuroscience it is said that neurons who fire together wire together. This means that the more you speak in a shaming and judgmental way, the easier and more natural it will be to do so in the future. This begins to create a well-worn path within your mind for how you respond to your mistakes and shortcomings. Soon, a mental model is formed which interprets much of the world as a despairing and anxious place.
The physiological, mental, and emotional damage done by shame then becomes a powerful and destructive self-fulfilling cycle. The more we are worn down, the less stable and resilient we become. Mistakes occur more often, positive feedback is neglected, and you believe increasingly the judgmental messages you’re telling yourself. The “proof” starts to stack up. It’s a terribly difficult cycle to pull out of.
Considering my own wounds and shame, the way I had been experiencing them was not sustainable. It wasn’t good for me, and it wasn’t good for my clients. I needed a new way of relating to myself. I needed help.
The Antidote For Shame
I started seeing a therapist a few years back when I had first begun my practicum. I was overwhelmed with all of life – working full time, still in grad school, taking on more clients. It was a lot. And I was noticing my wound increasingly often.
I told my therapist how tired I was and how I knew I was letting my clients down. I was fully aware of how my fear and anxiousness was getting in the way of me being present with my clients and I wanted him to know that I knew. With tears in my eyes, I told him how frustrated I was with myself; that I wasn’t empathetic enough, compassionate enough, and good enough. Like a dam cracked open, it was all flowing out now.
After letting me finish and leaving room for a brief silence, my therapist looked into my eyes with kindness and compassion and said,
Ben, I know the feeling, I’ve been there too. We all have. I understand the anger, some things are not right here. It’s scary feeling this way and it hurts, doesn’t it? Let’s try to listen to that fear, that hurt, and see what it might have to say about you.
In that moment, my therapist did three things for me:
- He treated me with kindness and understanding rather than judgement.
- He pulled me out of isolation by reframing my experience as common to everyone.
- He mindfully brought my suffering to the forefront and sat with me in it.
I needed someone to help pull me out of the vicious negative cycle. My therapist’s compassion toward me was a balm to my seething shame. This kind of compassion can be and needs to be something we offer ourselves as well.
Self-Compassion
Dr. Kristin Neff identifies the three components above as key to self-compassion. She labels them in three sets of dichotomies:
- Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgement
- Common Humanity vs. Isolation
- Mindfulness vs. Overidentification
Kindness
In elaborating on self-kindness, Dr. Neff states that kindness is not a passive trait, but an active stance. There is a force to kindness which sees our suffering and is moved to do something about it, to soothe it in whatever way it can.
Kindness is also about understanding the suffering rather than judging it. Understanding takes effort as well as warm curiosity. You might reframe a shameful question like “How am I so stupid to not understand this” to “I wonder why I am having this challenge right now”. This sort of curiosity opens the door to possibility and learning.
COmmon humanity
Dr. Neff points out that typically we can understand how we have similar experiences to those around us. However, when we are experiencing shame that same rationality is thrown out and we think it is abnormal for us to be struggling with whatever specifically we are struggling with.
The reality of life, though, is that things go wrong. People make mistakes. No one is perfect. So, the more rational thought would be to accept that you are human and to be human is to make mistakes.
The other piece of this is when we feel we are the only one that struggles, we isolate ourselves, which is both physiologically and emotionally frightening. In Sue Johnson’s essential book on Emotionally Focused Therapy (Attachment Theory in Practice, 2019), she states,
Bonding with others is viewed as the most intrinsic essential survival strategy for human beings… Emotional and physical isolation from attachment figures is inherently traumatizing for human beings, bringing with it a heightened sense, not simply of vulnerability and danger, but also helplessness.
In other words, when our shame isolates us from others, the physical, psychological, and emotional impact is tremendous. On the other hand, when we remember our common humanity, that we are not alone, and when we allow our shame to be seen by a select few who will love and nurture us, our body and our mind can relax again into safety and security.
Mindfulness
In order to offer compassion to yourself, you must be aware of your suffering. This may seem rudimentary, but as Dr. Neff explains, we are often unaware of the tremendous pain we inflict on ourselves with self-judgement and criticism.
There is a certain safety in playing the role of the critic because we can psychologically be detached from ourselves as the one making the mistake. To simply acknowledge our mistakes and shortcomings is a vulnerable thing. It’s difficult to sit with that.
But if we can turn toward our pain, rather than away, and be curious about what is causing it, then we offer compassion and understanding to ourselves in a purposeful and stable way.
Let’s Practice
Practicing self-compassion creates new neural pathways in our mind that reduce shame and isolation, and in turn set us on a new path toward resilient possibility. It takes practice, though, so this is my challenge for you:
- Commit this week to note and reflect on your self-talk.
- At night reflect on how you talk to yourself, especially during the stressful and difficult moments in your day.
- Note particularly harsh words and judgments you make toward yourself.
- Reframe these thoughts into a compassionate and understanding statement.
- Take 5 minutes to breathe slowly and repeat these new statements toward yourself. You might even apologize to yourself for being harsh.
- End by thanking yourself for taking the time to be compassionate and understanding.
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