One of the great tasks of beginning therapists is believing deep down in your bones that you are enough.
I didn’t start out believing this. Far from it, actually. Each session felt like a stage I had to perform on and prove to my clients that I was enough, that I had the skills or the answers or the presence that could satisfy whatever expectation they had of me. All too frequently, I felt I was failing.
It was terrifying. And exhausting. And it wore down my hope to a point so thin and delicate that I almost gave up on the profession altogether.
Why was it so hard to believe I was enough?
As I worked through this in my own therapy, the language of IFS (Internal Family Systems) and the gentle guidance of my therapist helped me patiently and lovingly poke and prod around what may be going on. What we found were a few parts of myself that were working way too hard: Anxiety and Shame.
Anxiety was terrified that if I accepted I was enough, I’d be left unprepared and disappoint or anger my clients. It worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle that.
Shame was a tougher nut to crack. Instead of worry, it would berate me with self-doubt and shaming language. Shame was fully on board with me quitting the field. It was also scared. Scared I might crack and never be able to recover.
My therapist helped me get to know these parts of my self, their fears, their good intentions. We found out they were really young, no older than 8 or 9. Of course they were scared. And of course they were overwhelmed. These parts of me, they’re just kids.
We also helped them get to know me – my Self – the part of me that wasn’t a kid anymore, who had genuine skills and traits and training to do this work, and who could accept that I am enough despite the outcomes of the work I do.
Like a parent to a fearful child, I spoke to their fears, that I saw them and reassured them that they don’t have to work so hard anymore, that I’ve got this now.
Slowly, Anxiety and Shame loosened their grip and began to trust that my Self would be okay. When they would (and still do) show up, I take a moment to see them and reassure them again. Rather than push them away, which is often what we do with our difficult parts and emotions, I try to invite them in and show them the love that they (I) really need.
I’ve found, then, that the work of believing I am enough is less about the things I initially thought would get me there (clinical training, hyper-preparedness, years of experience) and more about healing the inner wounds that had me doubting in the first place.
If you identify at all with this struggle of not feeling enough, you’re not alone.
Be gentle with yourself – your emotions, these parts of you that are trying their best to keep you afloat.
And if it’s accessible to you, give yourself permission to seek some help. There’s no shame in it.
Feature photo by Pars Sahin on Unsplash
Photo in text by Dallas Reedy on Unsplash