“Alright, well I look forward to connecting with you two again next week.”
I clicked “End Call”, slumped my head on the desk, and let out a weary sigh. I hate this feeling. It’s like sitting in acid. It was a particularly difficult session with a couple, a slog. I was trying to slow them down, draw out the softer emotion, give it some breathing room. But all their reasons and frustration and weariness kept speeding and amping them up.
Nearing the end, I didn’t know what else to do. How to wrap it up or make sense of it. So, we all sat there in the mess. Finally, a moment of quiet, but not a restful one. And like that, time was up.
It’s moments like these as a therapist that weigh on me. It’s not just that the work is difficult and taxing but it’s difficult and taxing on me. Me as a person. It’s moments like these that make me feel inadequate.
Inadequacy vs. Incompetence
I’ve come to realize there’s a distinct difference between feeling inadequate and feeling incompetent. All of us, especially at the beginning of our careers, experience incompetence. It’s like pruning: it hurts but we know it’s necessary and good for growth. Even years into our career we can still have moments of incompetency. It’s a given that there is much to learn, and we will never learn it all. That’s why we have CEU’s.
Inadequacy, though, is a deeper and sometimes fatal feeling. If feeling incompetent leads to a healthy pruning, feeling inadequate goes for the roots. Inadequacy threatens to pull up the very foundation of me being a therapist in the first place. I begin to question what I can offer and if it is enough. In turn, I question if I am enough.
This becomes a sad and downward spiral, a self-fulfilling prophecy as well. The more I question my enough-ness, the more discouraged I become. The more discouraged I become, the less motivated I am. The less motivated I am, the less I invest in myself and my craft as a therapist. I have less emotional space to accept that there are areas of incompetency I can address and find myself stuck in a swamp of insecurity and fear. And that’s no good.
An Antidote: Perspective
I recently read that continued experiencing of stress increases the release of cortisol which negatively affects our vision. Symptoms can include fogginess, double vision, vision distortions, and narrowed or tunnel vision. When we’re under a great deal of stress we literally cannot see straight.
I think the same can be said of our perspective. Our vision narrows and all we begin to “see” is the contents of our stress, namely, the fear of not being enough. And often, what we’re looking at is where we will go, deeper and deeper into the territory of fear and insecurity. What we need is to widen our perspective, take our gaze off of the stress for a moment, and attend to other facets of our life and being that are more compassionate and loving.
A Method: Attending To Our Breath
One way to regain a widened perspective is to attend to our breath. When we are “looking” at our stress, we are looking with our mind, namely our thoughts. It can begin to feel like we are our thoughts. But that is not true. Our mind and our thoughts are merely a facet of who we are, and because of this, we can pull back and create some healthy distance with them. In doing so, we can more objectively and compassionately hold whatever it is we are thinking about and regain a clearer perspective.
To do this, find a quiet space, sit upright with your shoulders back, and inhale long and slow (if you do this after reading, I encourage your to close your eyes as well). Note a physical sensation associated with this inhale – maybe the air rushing through your nostrils, or your belly filling with air. Attune to the sensation as if it is the only one in the world. At the end of your inhale, allow space for a slight pause, and then slowly exhale. Repeat this three more times.
Noting Thoughts
Once you have finished, continue to breathe slowly and gently, and invite the thoughts that have fueled your feeling of inadequacy. For me, it was that particularly difficult session. Now, simply note that you are thinking about this. You can even quietly say, “Thinking about inadequacy”. This helps form the separation between your thoughts and your being, and fight against “being our thoughts” which narrows our perspective.
Noting Feelings
Once you have noted your thoughts, take note of how it feels to have these thoughts. Feelings are experienced through the body, so do a gentle scan of what you are feeling in your body. I notice that when I am feeling inadequate, my stomach becomes upset, my shoulders slump, and I feel myself collapsing inward. I feel shame and I feel sadness. Again, note these feelings. You might imagine holding them gently as if there is something delicate in your hands. This too helps form the separation between your feelings and your being, widening your perspective that you are not your feelings but simply experience feelings.
Inviting a different persepctive
Last, I encourage you to invite a wise and compassionate perspective. You might do this by imagining a friend who was feeling the same way and how you might comfort them. What would you say to them? Would you give them a hug? Or maybe there is someone in your life that emanates warmth, wisdom, and compassion. What would they say to you? What would it feel like to be with them in these thoughts and feelings? How might they encourage you?
After doing so, take another couple of deep and slow breaths, wiggle your fingers and toes, and note how that was for you. Was it any different from the typical downward spiral?
We all feel inadequate at some point, if not many points, in our life. Know that you are not alone in that feeling. And if you find yourself there again, consider how you might try to regain a healthy perspective.